To say that things are changing in my life right now would be an understatement.
I’m soon to be leaving my steady, well-paying job, soon to be leaving our lovely flat with the perfect location and perfect views, and most importantly, to me, leaving my beloved city of York.
York has been more than just my second home for the last 6 years. It has been my absolute sanctuary. When I first moved here from a tiny village in South Wales at the age of 18, I had no idea that it would be the place where I would experience some of the lowest lows and highest highs in my life so far. Heartbreak and despair; elation and liberation. This city has played host to every emotion, every experience, every thought I have had for just over 2000 days. God, it feels like so much more.
It feels like I grew up here. My formative years have been these 6. They mean so much to me. How can I leave this place?
Chris and I are moving to Newcastle, back to where he grew up. It’s one of those moves which is ‘logical’, really. Chris finishes studying soon, my job isn’t in an area I want to continue in, York, due to its perfection, is hella expensive to live in. We are taking a leap, a leap that will allow us to save some money, will allow us to explore what we both really want to do, and give us a taste of living in a bigger city. All that ‘explore while you’re young’ jazz.
I’m really excited for what’s to come. But I am also achingly anxious too. I’m leaving everything I know behind. I’m a first class worrier in usual circumstances, so right now I really am high up there on the worry-scale.
But I know that despite the uncertainty, this is right for us both. The circumstances in which Chris and I met were quite unique. Not in terms of how we met, but the timing. Almost timed to the second. One of our favourite songs is ‘Something Changed’ by Pulp, because it so accurately describes our beginning.
“When we woke up that morning we had no way of knowing that in a matter of hours we’d change the way we were going. Where would I be now if we’d never met?”
And I know that we will be okay, everything will be okay because this is where we are meant to be.
So, I just wanted to write this worry-list, to show you all that yes we all worry and no we don’t all have our lives together just because it seems like it on the outside. You’re not alone. Worrying is okay (it will get better).
1. Finding a new job
Never mind finding a new job, I’m not sure what it is I actually want to do. So there’s that.
See above. Existing is expensive these days.
See above, re: everything.
4. Body image
I gave up smoking ages ago, I put on weight. It’s not an uncommon occurrence. But it has meant that I am concerned with how I look right now. I’m not comfortable in myself, and that’s the worst. But I am being proactive, I am making so much more time for all types of exercise (and I did run a marathon, that was no easy feat I’ll tell ya).
5. My diet
See #4. I’ve been making a real effort with what I’m putting into my body, exercising, drinking gallons of water. I’m seeing little changes. Nothing drastic. And I’m FED UP. So, I’m doing more research into what I’m eating. It’s hard when you’re a fussy eater too. And I hate weighing my food.
See #1. I am constantly worrying that I have no discernible skills. What am I even good for?!
One of my new year goals was to make more of an effort with friends far and wide, and I feel like I have made inroads here. I’m off to London to see my friend next weekend and am texting and calling and writing to people more. But I still worry every day that I’m neglecting people and they hate me.
This ties in with the whole having no skills nor idea of what I want to do for a job. How does ONE have goals when ONE has no endgame. ARGHHHH.
9. My mam
I had a bit of a meltdown the other day when I was crazily hormonal. I just kept thinking of how little I see my mam and how much I love her and oh my god what if she dies?!? I literally couldn’t stop crying. Living so far away from the person you love most in the world is really painful and very hard. Then she rang me and told me to stop being silly and that she will be around to annoy me for a long time yet. (I’m still worrying though cause I love ya, mammy).
And then there are the ridiculous, obnoxious, self-indulgent, not-really-worries-but-everyone-has-them worries..
10. Skincare routine
How am I meant to choose from so many products? How do I part with £20 of my hard earned cash to purchase something I have no idea will work? How often should you change your routine? Can’t I just use huggies wipes?
11. Posh candles
I received several ‘posh’ (read: expensive) candles for Christmas. Haven’t used one of them yet, cause I’m scared of ‘using them in the wrong place’. Don’t wanna leave them sitting on the shelf though. Oh the woe.
12. My receding hairline
I have always had what I believe to be a receding hairline. It’s getting bigger, I’m sure of it, I’m a slaphead.